Today has been a tough day. Alot has happened in the last week, many disappointing. However, I love to watch how God uses these "hiccups" in my life to show me a deeper truth. I read on a blog last week that "God brings us into a mess to give us a message." Speak Lord, your servant is listening.
Last night I went to bed early...exhausted. I drempt alot, which usually means I am processing through something that's either exciting or that maybe is bothering me. Right before I woke up, I remember dreaming about 4 children I love very much. A, G, T, and K. They were headed to Haiti today with their parents to serve on that mission field. I had a dream that included A running away from me, pretending to be scared, knowing full well I would chase her and if I caught her, would tickle her and we would laugh! I dreamed about G and K coming into our Kids program at church with big smiles on their face....as if I couldn't tell already from their giddy smiles, the pizza sauce on their shirts told me what they were about to share...."We got to go to Pizza Ranch for supper!" As I woke up from my dream, the tears started flowing. How I will miss this family. But, as I did my devotions, I also realized there were more feelings. I was angry, not at this family, but at myself. Being turned down for a couple jobs recently was discouraging...didn't God know how much I desired them? As I processed through the day, I realized I was more jealous than angry. Although I'm not sure about the creatures that the VL family will encounter in Haiti and how well my bravery would last.....I was jealous of how they are serving in Love using the abilities and gifts they have been so blessed with. I was frustrated with myself for once again pulling away from getting to know R&E better, for fear of being rejected. And, as I prayed, I asked God to really challenge me to seek out others, no matter how uncomfortable that makes me....and be bolder about asking for what I really need....as well as committing to things I need to be more disciplined about.
So....let's take this a few steps at a time....
Step 1: Be in the WORD daily....quit making excuses for not memorizing scripture. Just Do It!
Step 2: Be willing to ask someone (once a week?) to help me with something I need and can't do myself. Example 1: I need to find a small group/discipleship class or group that has women in it that are my age and don't mind that I'm still single and/or have no children.
Step 3: I read the following on an InFaith missionary's blog and really like it and want to seek after this attitude. "How many times do I need to get past people's offense to reach them? Lord, thanks for reminding me that in order to reach the lost I need to love unlovely people. Aren't we all unlovely? yet, He loves us." And...yes...I realize I can be very unlovely at times....and God still loves me.
So, yes this entry tonight has been intense. I am thankful, though, that on this Journey to Broadway (where God is fulfilling His purpose), that He knows the end result and will take me there if I seek to follow Him in all I do. Jeremiah 29:11 promises me that.
