My God Shall...

WOW...

"My God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in glory..."

It's interesting though, how I think I know what I need and what would fix all problems...and honestly, I do think having money to pay off my student loans and other debts would help at times...but that's not where I'm headed tonight.

Quick update to those of you unaware...I didn't get that job I was so hoping for; the one I thought was "the one!"  And, it's ok.

Tonight is one of those nights when I really wanted to focus on something other than TV, and so I went to Facebook...I know...not a real wise choice...that is...unless God is putting you there for a reason.  I went to the page of my friend who is serving the Lord with her family in Haiti, and saw a link to a webpage/blog, clicked on it, and within seconds began to sob and cry out to God.  This woman wrote about women and being known by God.  After I got through my tears and began to feel the Holy Spirit bring a peace to my heart, I knew I had to share and so I emailed it to women in my life with a prayer. 

Then, I decided to go back to this website and read some more.  I clicked on some of her "popular" posts and came on this one, from yesterday.  (The one my friend shared was from Thursday!)  How perfect.  http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/11/how-to-not-miss-your-real-life-calling/

I love the line "We need the person of God more than we need the plan for our life."

I'm a planner.  I want to know what's next.  I sometimes want to trick the system and get what I want by working around the rules...by specific planning indeed!  Not the way to go...

So where does this leave me tonight....on my knees...praying for restoration and healing, in my mind, my heart, my "wants", my thoughts, my actions.  It also leaves me dreaming...dreaming about what God may have in store for me.  Obviously, he wants me to "career" right where I'm at right now.  My calling right now is to serve where I am at.  Will that be where I am at forever?  Only HE knows...and after all, HE knows the perfect plan. 

Waiting...

Waiting...99% of the time I hate waiting.  And tonight is one of those nights.  I know the committee who interviewed me for a job have made their decision.  Tonight that decision is going in front of a supervising committee.  It's out of my control and now I just have to wait to hear what the decision is.  Not easy.  Neither has my spiritual walk been in the past 12 days since my final interview.  I pray and pray....but it's so hard to pray what I need to pray.  What I want to pray is "God, you know how much I want this position, so no matter what, make the people in charge choose ME!!  You know I am the right choice and would do a great job, and could use the financial benefits, etc., etc., etc. "  And, yet, in my heart, I know I need to pray "Lord, your will be done.  If you want me to stay in the positions I am in right now and be content, that is what I will do and seek YOU through that."  And, so...during this debate going on in my mind and heart, I find myself at times running (figuratively) from prayer and from God.  I find myself doubting and I find myself trying to avoid facing the reality that I may not receive this job offer and have to continue doing the same jobs I am right now.  "But, God, don't you know how beneficial it would be for me to work the same job more than 2 days in a row? Can't you make them see how hard I would work and how dedicated I am to what I do?"  And again my mind says....seek fulfillment in HIM only child.  My God shall supply all your needs.

And, so I find myself sitting here, typing these racing thoughts out as I babysit at a friend's house while the children sleep.  I find myself reflecting back to an ongoing theme in my life...in my devotions...in my thoughts....in my interactions with people.  FINDING BALANCE.  That is a hard thing for me to do in so many ways.  For examples:  I want so bad to have relationships/friendships that go deeper than "Hi, how are you?", but I am so afraid of being hurt or trampled on.  I want to find contentment and peace in my Lord and Savior and feel comfortable with who I AM in HIM, but my inner desires go so far deeper to be accepted by others and feel that my actions and deeds are approved by them.  And the list could go on an on, I know it does...but my mind is not functioning quite fully right now! :) 

And, I wait...and I wait...and I wait...upon the Lord.  So many have gone before and I'm sure have waited to know His will and direction....and I will as well.  Jeremiah 29:11

Speak Lord

Today has been a tough day.  Alot has happened in the last week, many disappointing.  However, I love to watch how God uses these "hiccups" in my life to show me a deeper truth.  I read on a blog last week that "God brings us into a mess to give us a message."  Speak Lord, your servant is listening.

Last night I went to bed early...exhausted.  I drempt alot, which usually means I am processing through something that's either exciting or that maybe is bothering me.  Right before I woke up, I remember dreaming about 4 children I love very much.  A, G, T, and K.  They were headed to Haiti today with their parents to serve on that mission field.  I had a dream that included A running away from me, pretending to be scared, knowing full well I would chase her and if I caught her, would tickle her and we would laugh!  I dreamed about G and K coming into our Kids program at church with big smiles on their face....as if I couldn't tell already from their giddy smiles, the pizza sauce on their shirts told me what they were about to share...."We got to go to Pizza Ranch for supper!"  As I woke up from my dream, the tears started flowing.  How I will miss this family.  But, as I did my devotions, I also realized there were more feelings.  I was angry, not at this family, but at myself.  Being turned down for a couple jobs recently was discouraging...didn't God know how much I desired them?  As I processed through the day, I realized I was more jealous than angry.  Although I'm not sure about the creatures that the VL family will encounter in Haiti and how well my bravery would last.....I was jealous of how they are serving in Love using the abilities and gifts they have been so blessed with.  I was frustrated with myself for once again pulling away from getting to know R&E better, for fear of being rejected.  And, as I prayed, I asked God to really challenge me to seek out others, no matter how uncomfortable that makes me....and be bolder about asking for what I really need....as well as committing to things I need to be more disciplined about.  

So....let's take this a few steps at a time....
Step 1: Be in the WORD daily....quit making excuses for not memorizing scripture.  Just Do It!
Step 2: Be willing to ask someone (once a week?) to help me with something I need and can't do myself.  Example 1: I need to find a small group/discipleship class or group that has women in it that are my age and don't mind that I'm still single and/or have no children.
Step 3: I read the following on an InFaith missionary's blog and really like it and want to seek after this attitude. "How many times do I need to get past people's offense to reach them?  Lord, thanks for reminding me that in order to reach the lost I need to love unlovely people.  Aren't we all unlovely?  yet, He loves us."  And...yes...I realize I can be very unlovely at times....and God still loves me.

So, yes this entry tonight has been intense.  I am thankful, though, that on this Journey to Broadway (where God is fulfilling His purpose), that He knows the end result and will take me there if I seek to follow Him in all I do.  Jeremiah 29:11 promises me that.

Beginning

Yes, I have given in to starting a blog.  Wow...who knows...I may actually start using my Blackberry to track my schedule instead of my paper and wire bound planner......never mind, that will never happen.  I get way too much satisfaction out of "crossing off" things from my lists.  Actually, the reason I have started this blog is to be able to connect with friends and family who I don't connect with by phone or in person on a regular basis, as well as to share how God is working in my life.  The title of my blog "Journeys to Broadway" is inspired by a Bible study I went through about a year or so ago entitled Vantage Point 3.  In it we explored who God is, who I am, and what God desires to do through me.  Each one of our lives is a journey in which we make mistakes, ask questions, and hopefully are seeking what God's will is in our lives.  The journey has successes, triumps, pitfalls, accidents, and even times where it seems we are just simply staying put.  However, God is working in all of this and I am fascinated by that.  I just finished 2 weeks of camp with teens and 9-12 year olds as a summer missionary with InFaith.  I am headed back for 3 days fo 7-8 year olds.  This past week I watched as a 9 year old came out of her shell and witnessed her joy at receiving a Bible for the first time ever.  Her passion for reading and asking questions was humbling and very convicting in my own life.  I worry all to often about what people are thinking about me; their opinions, whether they like me or not, whether they think I am doing the right thing, etc, etc, etc.  What if I were able to (even for a day?) return to that place of such innocence and joy in the Lord my God?  What if I could shed my anger, frustrations, worries, "to do lists", etc. and just bask in the Glory of God's gift of Salvation and Love?  What if we all were to focus back in this direction?

Just my thoughts today....stay tuned and may God bless each of you as you walk your journey today...and every day.