Waiting...99% of the time I hate waiting. And tonight is one of those nights. I know the committee who interviewed me for a job have made their decision. Tonight that decision is going in front of a supervising committee. It's out of my control and now I just have to wait to hear what the decision is. Not easy. Neither has my spiritual walk been in the past 12 days since my final interview. I pray and pray....but it's so hard to pray what I need to pray. What I want to pray is "God, you know how much I want this position, so no matter what, make the people in charge choose ME!! You know I am the right choice and would do a great job, and could use the financial benefits, etc., etc., etc. " And, yet, in my heart, I know I need to pray "Lord, your will be done. If you want me to stay in the positions I am in right now and be content, that is what I will do and seek YOU through that." And, so...during this debate going on in my mind and heart, I find myself at times running (figuratively) from prayer and from God. I find myself doubting and I find myself trying to avoid facing the reality that I may not receive this job offer and have to continue doing the same jobs I am right now. "But, God, don't you know how beneficial it would be for me to work the same job more than 2 days in a row? Can't you make them see how hard I would work and how dedicated I am to what I do?" And again my mind says....seek fulfillment in HIM only child. My God shall supply all your needs.
And, so I find myself sitting here, typing these racing thoughts out as I babysit at a friend's house while the children sleep. I find myself reflecting back to an ongoing theme in my life...in my devotions...in my thoughts....in my interactions with people. FINDING BALANCE. That is a hard thing for me to do in so many ways. For examples: I want so bad to have relationships/friendships that go deeper than "Hi, how are you?", but I am so afraid of being hurt or trampled on. I want to find contentment and peace in my Lord and Savior and feel comfortable with who I AM in HIM, but my inner desires go so far deeper to be accepted by others and feel that my actions and deeds are approved by them. And the list could go on an on, I know it does...but my mind is not functioning quite fully right now! :)
And, I wait...and I wait...and I wait...upon the Lord. So many have gone before and I'm sure have waited to know His will and direction....and I will as well. Jeremiah 29:11
