Boundaries, Balance, Perspectives

I write alot of posts for this blog....no, really, I do....in my head.  I really wish somedays I had a computer that dictated and printed out all those brilliant posts that never get typed by me.  Maybe that's a good thing! 
Boundaries, Balance, Perspectives.....many of those blogs I "wrote" centered around these three words.  Since quitting my part time job the first of the year (No, I didn't quit my primary full time job), I had more time to think and process through things since I'm not going straight through the day from one job to another and then usually crashing in bed at night when I got home.  Now, for most people, they would jump and be excited about the opportunity to have more free time and not be going, going, going all the time.  However, the past three months have been a challenge, albeit a good challenge in so many ways.  Although there are days when I just want to be able to work and not have to process anything spiritually or emotionally, I feel God working in my heart, even through the struggle.  I'm not even close to having figured out the challenge, but here's a brief look.
Boundaries....I struggle so much with this, both in setting boundaries and in making good judgments about respecting others' boundaries.  Now, I may be very self-critical, I know that, and let's be clear that I've not crossed any legal boundaries and/or broken any laws in the process (other than the occasional speeding and texting while driving...oops!)  But, although I strongly desire true friendship with others, I tend to push people away when they get too close and yet push boundaries with others in an attempt to "prove" myself or get them to "like me" or "approve of me." 
Balance...I've said so many times in the past months how I would like to figure out this word and what it means.  When do I give grace and when does a behavior, etc. have to be confronted and dealt with.  When do I have to stop saying "yes" and seek to protect my own health, time, etc.  When do I invite people into my life and when do I set those boundaries to again, protect myself or my family, etc. 
Perspectives...I am more and more aware of how many of my friends and acquaintances and even family members have such different perspectives from each other.  I am more and more aware of how our experiences, our environment, and our belief systems infiltrate our perspectives.  For instance, I have a strong passion for missions...whether here in the US or overseas.  But no matter how much passion I have...I realize that I can't begin to fathom the environment that my friend in ministry in Haiti experiences each and every day and I can't come close to understanding her passion for orphans and justice, not to mention the extreme poverty she witnesses every day.  On the other hand, no matter how much others in my life care about people who struggle with severe mental illness or how they have sympathy for parents struggling with children with things like Reactive Attachment Disorder or Bipolor or Schizophrenia, they can't begin to understand why I am so passionate about fighting for mental health coverage throughout our state and making quality care available to anyone who struggles....after all, why should someone who lives in Iowa be limited to seek care in state, even if their situation requires more specialized care...or if much better providers are located just across the border in a neighboring state.....just because they are on Medicaid???  Can't we figure out a better way and/or a partnership with other states?     Again, that's just an example of the "perspectives" view I've been struggling with.

And then I am simply humbled by the words of the hymn "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" where it says "tune my heart to sing thy praise."  May my prayer always be that no matter how much I try to figure out boundaries, balance, and perspectives, that God would bring me into perfect intonation with Him, because without that....I am nothing. 

I am Blessed!

I am  much too guilty of falling into a world of self-pity and loathing over certain aspects of my life.  I was challenged recently by a missionary mentor/friend of mine who has served as an American Missionary for over 40 years with InFaith to start a Blessings Jar for 2013.  Every day I would seek to find at least 1 blessing that touched me that day and write it down, put it in the jar, and at the end of 2013, I would go back through and read those blessings.  OK.....

Well, today I thought I'd share two of those blessings I have written down.  Specifically, I share these two blessings because it's something I have been praying this year for God to really show me how HE is filling a void that is incredibly painful for me.  You see, I turn 35 very shortly....My life plan said by this time, I would be married, have a couple kids, successful career, etc.  Well....God's plan is often very different than our plans....until we work consistently to align our heart, mind, and spirit to sing HIS praise (and plans!)  Probably the most painful for me is lack of husband and lack of children....and knowing that due to medical difficulties, I won't ever be able to carry my own child, even in a Godly marriage. 

On to the blessings!  Early in the new year...well...maybe late in 2012, but it still is in this year's blessings jar....I received a text message from my sister-in-law showing me the incredible 3D ultrasound image of my growing niece or nephew!  POWERFUL!  Our God is so amazing to knit and weave together such intricate design and development in the womb!  And it was something I had never seen before....so it blessed my heart.  And every time I see that picture on my prayer board, I am brought to my knees in praise.
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2nd blessing: Today, I walked in a hospital room to congratulate friends on the birth of their new baby girl.  I couldn't stay long, but just wanted to deliver that hat I had knitted (while praying and praying it would be a girl because a flower hat just wouldn't work for a boy!) and just say congratulations.  Now, I'm pretty sure the new daddy was just super excited and ready to show off his baby, but as I handed the gift to "mom",  he came over to me and said "Meet 'baby'!.....Here, hold her!!"  She started to cry and I cuddled to her and she settled.  I held her for a short time....although I think I could have cuddled her all day if I was allowed....she's sooo cute!  But, that daddy blessed me today (even though it probably wasn't intentional) by simply allowing me to be a part of that newborn moment. 

Call me sappy...call me crazy...but these two things are huge blessings to me.  Being given a glimpse of participation in something I won't experience personally remind me to be aware of how I can give glimpses of joy to others in things they maybe can't do, won't do, or are no longer able to do.  What about simply smiling and saying hello to someone who others tend to ignore?  What about listening to an older person tell the same story over and over and over.....because they can't remember telling it the first time?  What about simply being quiet and observing and letting others shine in their Heavenly Father's glory?  Lord, open my eyes and heart to see where you want me to pass on blessings to others.  Grant me wisdom to see past appearances, presumptions, and past mistakes and to see into a heart that is longing to be given a glimpse of what they dream for. 

My God Shall...

WOW...

"My God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in glory..."

It's interesting though, how I think I know what I need and what would fix all problems...and honestly, I do think having money to pay off my student loans and other debts would help at times...but that's not where I'm headed tonight.

Quick update to those of you unaware...I didn't get that job I was so hoping for; the one I thought was "the one!"  And, it's ok.

Tonight is one of those nights when I really wanted to focus on something other than TV, and so I went to Facebook...I know...not a real wise choice...that is...unless God is putting you there for a reason.  I went to the page of my friend who is serving the Lord with her family in Haiti, and saw a link to a webpage/blog, clicked on it, and within seconds began to sob and cry out to God.  This woman wrote about women and being known by God.  After I got through my tears and began to feel the Holy Spirit bring a peace to my heart, I knew I had to share and so I emailed it to women in my life with a prayer. 

Then, I decided to go back to this website and read some more.  I clicked on some of her "popular" posts and came on this one, from yesterday.  (The one my friend shared was from Thursday!)  How perfect.  http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/11/how-to-not-miss-your-real-life-calling/

I love the line "We need the person of God more than we need the plan for our life."

I'm a planner.  I want to know what's next.  I sometimes want to trick the system and get what I want by working around the rules...by specific planning indeed!  Not the way to go...

So where does this leave me tonight....on my knees...praying for restoration and healing, in my mind, my heart, my "wants", my thoughts, my actions.  It also leaves me dreaming...dreaming about what God may have in store for me.  Obviously, he wants me to "career" right where I'm at right now.  My calling right now is to serve where I am at.  Will that be where I am at forever?  Only HE knows...and after all, HE knows the perfect plan. 

Waiting...

Waiting...99% of the time I hate waiting.  And tonight is one of those nights.  I know the committee who interviewed me for a job have made their decision.  Tonight that decision is going in front of a supervising committee.  It's out of my control and now I just have to wait to hear what the decision is.  Not easy.  Neither has my spiritual walk been in the past 12 days since my final interview.  I pray and pray....but it's so hard to pray what I need to pray.  What I want to pray is "God, you know how much I want this position, so no matter what, make the people in charge choose ME!!  You know I am the right choice and would do a great job, and could use the financial benefits, etc., etc., etc. "  And, yet, in my heart, I know I need to pray "Lord, your will be done.  If you want me to stay in the positions I am in right now and be content, that is what I will do and seek YOU through that."  And, so...during this debate going on in my mind and heart, I find myself at times running (figuratively) from prayer and from God.  I find myself doubting and I find myself trying to avoid facing the reality that I may not receive this job offer and have to continue doing the same jobs I am right now.  "But, God, don't you know how beneficial it would be for me to work the same job more than 2 days in a row? Can't you make them see how hard I would work and how dedicated I am to what I do?"  And again my mind says....seek fulfillment in HIM only child.  My God shall supply all your needs.

And, so I find myself sitting here, typing these racing thoughts out as I babysit at a friend's house while the children sleep.  I find myself reflecting back to an ongoing theme in my life...in my devotions...in my thoughts....in my interactions with people.  FINDING BALANCE.  That is a hard thing for me to do in so many ways.  For examples:  I want so bad to have relationships/friendships that go deeper than "Hi, how are you?", but I am so afraid of being hurt or trampled on.  I want to find contentment and peace in my Lord and Savior and feel comfortable with who I AM in HIM, but my inner desires go so far deeper to be accepted by others and feel that my actions and deeds are approved by them.  And the list could go on an on, I know it does...but my mind is not functioning quite fully right now! :) 

And, I wait...and I wait...and I wait...upon the Lord.  So many have gone before and I'm sure have waited to know His will and direction....and I will as well.  Jeremiah 29:11

Speak Lord

Today has been a tough day.  Alot has happened in the last week, many disappointing.  However, I love to watch how God uses these "hiccups" in my life to show me a deeper truth.  I read on a blog last week that "God brings us into a mess to give us a message."  Speak Lord, your servant is listening.

Last night I went to bed early...exhausted.  I drempt alot, which usually means I am processing through something that's either exciting or that maybe is bothering me.  Right before I woke up, I remember dreaming about 4 children I love very much.  A, G, T, and K.  They were headed to Haiti today with their parents to serve on that mission field.  I had a dream that included A running away from me, pretending to be scared, knowing full well I would chase her and if I caught her, would tickle her and we would laugh!  I dreamed about G and K coming into our Kids program at church with big smiles on their face....as if I couldn't tell already from their giddy smiles, the pizza sauce on their shirts told me what they were about to share...."We got to go to Pizza Ranch for supper!"  As I woke up from my dream, the tears started flowing.  How I will miss this family.  But, as I did my devotions, I also realized there were more feelings.  I was angry, not at this family, but at myself.  Being turned down for a couple jobs recently was discouraging...didn't God know how much I desired them?  As I processed through the day, I realized I was more jealous than angry.  Although I'm not sure about the creatures that the VL family will encounter in Haiti and how well my bravery would last.....I was jealous of how they are serving in Love using the abilities and gifts they have been so blessed with.  I was frustrated with myself for once again pulling away from getting to know R&E better, for fear of being rejected.  And, as I prayed, I asked God to really challenge me to seek out others, no matter how uncomfortable that makes me....and be bolder about asking for what I really need....as well as committing to things I need to be more disciplined about.  

So....let's take this a few steps at a time....
Step 1: Be in the WORD daily....quit making excuses for not memorizing scripture.  Just Do It!
Step 2: Be willing to ask someone (once a week?) to help me with something I need and can't do myself.  Example 1: I need to find a small group/discipleship class or group that has women in it that are my age and don't mind that I'm still single and/or have no children.
Step 3: I read the following on an InFaith missionary's blog and really like it and want to seek after this attitude. "How many times do I need to get past people's offense to reach them?  Lord, thanks for reminding me that in order to reach the lost I need to love unlovely people.  Aren't we all unlovely?  yet, He loves us."  And...yes...I realize I can be very unlovely at times....and God still loves me.

So, yes this entry tonight has been intense.  I am thankful, though, that on this Journey to Broadway (where God is fulfilling His purpose), that He knows the end result and will take me there if I seek to follow Him in all I do.  Jeremiah 29:11 promises me that.

Beginning

Yes, I have given in to starting a blog.  Wow...who knows...I may actually start using my Blackberry to track my schedule instead of my paper and wire bound planner......never mind, that will never happen.  I get way too much satisfaction out of "crossing off" things from my lists.  Actually, the reason I have started this blog is to be able to connect with friends and family who I don't connect with by phone or in person on a regular basis, as well as to share how God is working in my life.  The title of my blog "Journeys to Broadway" is inspired by a Bible study I went through about a year or so ago entitled Vantage Point 3.  In it we explored who God is, who I am, and what God desires to do through me.  Each one of our lives is a journey in which we make mistakes, ask questions, and hopefully are seeking what God's will is in our lives.  The journey has successes, triumps, pitfalls, accidents, and even times where it seems we are just simply staying put.  However, God is working in all of this and I am fascinated by that.  I just finished 2 weeks of camp with teens and 9-12 year olds as a summer missionary with InFaith.  I am headed back for 3 days fo 7-8 year olds.  This past week I watched as a 9 year old came out of her shell and witnessed her joy at receiving a Bible for the first time ever.  Her passion for reading and asking questions was humbling and very convicting in my own life.  I worry all to often about what people are thinking about me; their opinions, whether they like me or not, whether they think I am doing the right thing, etc, etc, etc.  What if I were able to (even for a day?) return to that place of such innocence and joy in the Lord my God?  What if I could shed my anger, frustrations, worries, "to do lists", etc. and just bask in the Glory of God's gift of Salvation and Love?  What if we all were to focus back in this direction?

Just my thoughts today....stay tuned and may God bless each of you as you walk your journey today...and every day.