Radical Pro-Lifer

It's time.  Time for me to stop fearing this post and just go with my gut.  I have rewritten, deleted, edited, etc. this post way too many times.  So, I deleted one more time and am starting from scratch....from my heart....from my passion....from my innermost spirit.


You see, I have friends and family that lean towards the extreme right wing agenda....and I have friends and family that lean towards the extreme left wing agenda.  And, so even though what I write really isn't intended to state a political agenda, I do fear what others may think and I fear alienating or offending some.


But, this is also something that has been deeply seeded into my heart. So much so, that I think about it (even obsess...) a lot......ALOT.  I was raised to know that as a Christian, I knew that life begins at conception and that abortion is a sin. I even stood with my grandma and mom and held signs at local government agencies to help raise awareness in the fight against abortion being legalized.  I still believe life begins at conception; and I still believe abortion is wrong.  I also believe life and the importance of protecting it doesn't stop in the birth canal.


?????WHAT?????  Wait...


I have a friend....she adopted a young girl out of the foster care system.  This poor toddler experienced more trauma than most of our entire families will experience in a lifetime....in the first few years of her life.  She is a beautiful, creative, intelligent young lady with an extreme tendency towards manipulative and destructive behaviors....due to trauma that destroyed the ability for her to connect with others in a healthy way.....and who knows if there was trauma in the womb from alcohol or drugs that the birth mother or those around her may have used.


Another friends works for the department of human services......severely underpaid, overworked, and given little leeway to fight for the children assigned to her....given specific guidelines as to what she can say and do....how much she can "spend" to get her caseloads taken care of....and yet she tells me how she often can't sleep at night because she knows that some of these kids should not be allowed to ever return home to their birth parents....but "we believe in 2nd...and 3rd....and 4th....chances"


In the state of Iowa, we have expanded Medicaid coverage to hundreds of adults.  Yet there is still a waiting list hundreds of kids long waiting for waivers to receive funding for necessary care.


A recent news story told of how the standard recommendation for mental health beds is 50 for every 100,000 of population.  Iowa has 5.....and yet it becomes a massive struggle against impossibility to approve funding to send a child or adult with Medicaid funding out of state for the treatment they need.


I read inspiring stories of people who are working hard in places like Uganda and Haiti who are working hard....not just to "rescue" children by placing them in adoptive homes....but to help the families develop ways to support themselves and their children, while also educating them in how to prevent pregnancy. 


So, how do these stories come together in a short blog.....


I think we have to look beyond the traditional "pro-life" views....just like we have started to move beyond the simple answer of "rescuing" children from foreign countries through adoption.  While both of those views are good and admirable....there is more.  Protecting children while educating, working to heal families and children through comprehensive, individualized treatment plans for the entire family with freedom to "make exceptions to policy" given to social workers familiar with the situation, realizing that consistent, thorough, and regular follow-through will end up costing less in the long run, whereas constant changes and upheaval end up destroying any previously gained ground, realizing that by investing in the parents and financially into those working with them we stop the constant run-around, confusion, and miscommunication so common, and finally.....if we took as much care and compassion in fighting for pro-life beyond the birth canal....imagine the changes that potentially could happen in our entire society...worldwide.

A New Toy

Every good blog needs some pictures, right?

Well, tonight, I begin....with one.

My boss once told me she could keep me happy at work by giving me a new "toy" to figure out, experiment with, and successfully use every few years.  Well, tonight, my new "toy" was at home.

A few weeks ago, I found it...my dream machine on sale at an incredibly low, low price.  Welcome FoodSaver to my official kitchen membership.

Tonight was my first night to use.  I started by reading the manual (I've learned that's a great idea after messing up many things by not reading them in the past!)  Then I started my project for the night, cleaning out the freezer as much as possible to store as many of the 500 undecorated "Kari's Kookies" until they need decorating for Palm Sunday at church.  I did the typically food saver stuff....the chicken breasts, my individual homemade breakfast burritos, etc.  Then I looked (wished I would have taken a picture) and frowned....what was I going to do with the super large roasting pan full of the slightly overripe bananas that they sell for super cheap at the supermarket before they go bad. Perfect bananas for making banana bread, muffins, smoothies, etc.  Bring on the "new toy" experiment for the night.  I set the bananas out on the table to begin to thaw slightly.  When they were "just soft, yet slightly frozen", I peeled the bananas and packaged them 4 to a bag, vaccuum packed them and sealed them.  It worked brilliantly!!  Even after they were sealed, I could smash the bananas into a smooth, flat bag and stack them in a very small place in the freezer.  Perfectly packed for defrosting and mixing into batters of bread, and taking up a lot less space in the freezer!

Back to the cookies I was making room for.  That was actually the reason I bought the FoodSaver. I want to experiment with packing "Kari's Kookies" and keeping them in tact and fresh for possible shipping to friends and others who might request them.  I didn't get to that experiment tonight.....but am hopeful. After all, it's a new toy and I'm loving figuring out everything I can use it for!  Wish me luck!

Quinncidence of Blessings

I have two secrets to share tonight....
1.  I am addicted to couponing....bargains....etc...(ok..so not much of a secret to most of you)
2.  In mid-December I was sent an anonymous cash gift....with a note to "Please use your gifts to multiply this blessing"

I wasn't sure what that meant and so I prayed about it.  And I share this to not build myself up...but instead to hopefully encourage some of you (and to remind myself) of how, if you allow God to take your situation and mix it with your passion, He will do great things.

And, so, as I prayed about what God would have me do, he reminded me that March 12 is Quinncidence Day...where a local family celebrates their daughter Quinn's life, although it was painfully short, by encouraging others to do random acts of kindness.  I had a mission....use every bit of bargain shopping, rebates, coupons, etc. to obtain all kinds of items for Quinncidence Day.  I would post a picture, but some of the gifts I want to be completely anonymous....maybe in a few weeks I will.

And I sit here amidst notecards, candy, poptarts, stickers, yarn, gift cards, cereal,etc....I am so excited for how this unknown person is allowing God to make so many others' day!  I could have never done this on my own budget; I also could have spent the money given quickly and gotten many fun things....but this person knew that God would take my passion and inspire it for good and lots of it! Thank you my friend and may each Quinncidence that results glorify our LORD's Name!!

Doubts?????

DOUBTS...

...DOUBTS...

DOUBTS...

QUESTIONS...

...QUESTIONS...

QUESTIONS...

Use your doubts/questions to propel you forward in your faith.

Tonight with our high school group we discussed doubts.  In small group discussion, the teens anonymously shared their doubts.  What struck me is that so many of the doubts that teens face, both in their personal lives and in their spiritual lives, are the very same doubts that plague this 30-something woman.  

So, without sharing their doubts specifically, I will share a few of my doubts in a more specific way.

1-Does God REALLY have a plan for my life?  I know at 17-18 years of age, I had a plan...Bachelor's in Music, Masters in Music Therapy, Doctorate studies?  Instead, I became incapacitated by mental illness and dropped out of school in my senior year for treatment.  I returned 5 1/2 years later to finish, but put myself deep in debt in the process.  I work as a receptionist, which I love, but I can't help but wonder at times, if this is all God has for me. During some of the years in between, I have felt God calling me in other ways, but then the door is shut.  OK....but I wonder, does that mean God is telling me to be content where I am at....or seek harder for where He is leading me.  ...SEEKING HIS KINGDOM...

2-Does God love me no matter what?  I make alot of mistakes, ALOT.  I am also a people pleaser.  I want to do things right and I want to make others pleased with what I a doing. When I don't achieve those things, or I feel questioned, or like I have made a mistake, I don't like myself and I assume that others don't like me.  Honestly, and selfishly at that, I want to be perfect.  However, I realize at my core that I am not.  However, I don't want to present that to others.  Sounding familiar to anyone out there?  And so, I project my own self-dissatisfaction onto others and worry about trying to make everyone happy when that is absolutely impossible.  "She probably thinks I'm the worst friend because I forgot her birthday."  "He is going to think I am so stupid for what I said."  "I don't have near the faith that she does and everyone likes her....and on an on."  COMPARING....one of the biggest faith destroyers.  And then I struggle to believe that God could love me, when even I don't love myself.   ...LEARNING TO LOVE AS THE FATHER DOES...

It's late and these are just two of my doubts.  There are many more and usually, as I process, I simply come up with more questions, other doubts, and my mind will continue to process even as I dream tonight, I'm sure.

And, so I pray the following for anyone reading this:

Omniscient Father-I praise you for your wisdom, your love, and your compassion and forgiveness offered freely to all who believe.  I pray for each person who is doubting your presence, your plan, your will, or just you LORD.  Fill them with the peace the passes all understanding and help them know that YOU GOD, can fill them with confidence and JOY in the HOPE of your Son.  Amen.

You are my Strength when I am weak...You are my All in All

All In All...How I love this song.  And a little over a week ago when I posted, I was feeling weak and overwhelmed and fearful.  Yet, I wrote....fearing very much what others might thing or how they might respond....

ENTER MY ALL IN ALL....He knew that posting would not only help me process, but in turn, allow others to see into a world that is very hard to understand and process.  And even though I had some not so positive responses, I became ok with that...knowing that God was still working in their hearts, despite their responses.  I also had many positive responses, as well as encouragement. 

And in this week, God is showing me in a deeper way some ways and situations where I thrive and discovering new things that bring me great joy.  As part of VP3 a few years ago, I took a strengths finders assessment.  One of my top strengths was empathy.....for those that don't know what this means...a friend described it this way...which is SOOO accurate.  I literally "feel" (in an emotional and a physical sense) others' joys and sorrows (especially sorrow and pain).  So, a tough day with patients in the ER is a tough day for me.  A tough day for friends becomes a tough day for me.  Praying intensely for others brings me great joy and relief.....as does private, personal reflection time.  With that empathy strength also comes a great joy in partnering with others to bless.  Whether it be simply donating leftovers from farmers' market, partnering with a foreign missionary on a special project, or just jumping in and learning something new and beneficial brings great joy! 

Tonight, thanks to a mission partner in my life, I was able to treat a couple young ladies to froyo (frozen yogurt for those of you going HUH??) and we had a rather short, but good conversation.  These two young ladies are entering their junior year and have such hearts for others and for the LORD.  I've had a great privilege of getting to know them (and others) better over the past year and am looking forward to even more in the next year.  Even more fun...we're going to have a Christmas movie party when the new Veggie Tales Christmas movie comes out....featuring who else? Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty as Silas the Okra!!!  P.S.  Don't tell the girls that we'll be having okra as our main food that night!! Just kidding!

Praise God...for the good...for the bad...because He is Still God.....All the Time!

CETN-CETA-CETL

I can read your mind....what?  Huh?  Kari-have you lost your mind in the four months since you last blogged?  No....ride this out with me and I think you'll understand.
Since I last blogged, summer has come (finally) and will soon be gone (sadly).  I did not serve at the Bible Camp I normally serve at this summer due to other commitments, but I have been busy both with work, gardening, and participating (mostly with baking-my sugar almond cookies, scones, and quick breads) at our local farmers' market.  This new experience has been a ton of fun; I've met some great new people...and I have some orders for Christmas cookies in a couple months!  It's also filled my off days with the great smells of cinnamon, almond, nutmeg, etc. and a sense of purpose.  I spent one farmers' market selling with my niece and nephew to benefit Children of the Promise Ministries in Haiti...we had an incredible day and the two best quotes of the whole summer.  My 7 year old niece (as I explained to her what we were doing)..."So...Aunt Kari...I get to like, be a real missionary for a day?"  "Most definitely sweetheart!"  And my 4 year old nephew after he got through eating some herb sour dough from another vendor "Aunt Kari...that was really, really good bread, but your cookies are betterer...and nobody's buying those baseball cookies....so can I just eat them?"  "Hm...."

Gardening has taken up a wonderful amount of my time and it is so much fun seeing the fruits of my labor, as well as learning new tricks and techniques.  Right now, I'm figuring out what to do with 9 1/2 pound cabbages and how to fix my tomatoes which are making the cages fall over with their weight!
I'm also experimenting with new recipes using fresh produce.  Tonight's experiment was a recipe for KFC coleslaw.  Success! 

This summer has also brought a sense of pain and disappointment as I realized I needed to admit that my struggle with depression had returned, and as much as I tried to avoid it or push it aside, it was gaining strength and power.  Although I am not sure about posting this publicly, I'm hoping it can help someone else.  Once I admitted I was struggling, I was able to begin to deal with it...which leads to the title of my post.

CETN-CARING ENOUGH TO NOTICE
As I was struggling, a part of me just wanted someone else to care enough to notice.  In the back of my mind, I thought, good grief...in this great community of Christ followers....doesn't someone notice?  Doesn't anyone care?  However, in the same breath, I realized how guilty I am of sensing that someone is struggling, but pushing it out of my mind and using the excuses of "it's not my business" or "it will just lead to a conversation/interaction that I can't handle".  Fear talking or sense speaking?  Pretty sure it was fear!  So, I would encourage all of you who believe in the Great Physician to CETN, and then....

CETA-CARING ENOUGH TO ASK
Many times, when people are struggling, whether it's with mental illness, loss, financial struggles, frustration over work/family issues, or many other things, the first step after caring enough to notice is to ask.  And not just "Are you ok?"  or "How are you?" What my spirit wanted most was for someone just to come alongside me and just ask what I needed and then to move on to....

CETN-CARING ENOUGH TO LISTEN (OR...to just be quiet)
I am the first to admit...I want to jump in....I want to fix...I want everything to be ok....I don't just want to listen and be still....   However, I knew that was exactly what I wanted and needed.  Someone that wasn't going to try and change/fix me or give me instructions or blame or all that garbage.  I really didn't want to have to share everything with someone.  Honestly, I was embarrassed (as are many people who are struggling with a variety of issues listed above).  We are already blaming ourselves, questioning God, seeking our scripture.  Just listen to me....let me vent...let me cry in an all out female sob/scream cry :).....let me be.......and then look me in the eyes and just be still.  Your silence will often speak louder.  Then, after the initial listening/silence.....it can move into more of a conversation over a period of time.  Please allow Christ to speak through your silence.

Tonight I was reading a devotional on the life of Peter.  And although the CETN-CETA-CETL is something I had come up with during a sleepless night, I began to see how Christ modeled that, especially with Peter.  He saw his strengths and his weaknesses and cared enough to work alongside Peter to challenge and develop his strengths into a passion for Christ and Christianity.

So....I've taken a risk in posting this so honestly, but I do pray that it will ring true and bless or help someone out there.  Feel free to comment....agree or disagree.....God will use that to teach my spirit as well...."as iron sharpens iron..."

IOWA Weather!

I ce
O vercast
W ind
A rctic Air

W onderful SUN!
E arly Outs (from school)
A dvisories to NOT Travel
T hunder
H ail
E lectricity Outages
R ain

24 Hours Folks....we can go from 73 degrees to below freezing!  I love it....not really...but it does remind me of an incredible promise from my father.  As some of you could tell from my recent blog and some who I've messaged/talked with personally know my mind/heart have been on a roller coaster of the extreme kind the past few weeks.  And just like the weather, God promises me in His faithfulness that He is always there...even when I don't see it clearly.  Spring has always come...even in Iowa...and this season of winter recently in my life will also change into spring in its season.  As I seek to hand over the things and thoughts that burden my heart and spirit today, I rejoice in the new life of a nephew, now 5 days old; I rejoice in answered prayer; I rejoice in a Heavenly Father that never fails. 

Psalm 89:8

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁸ O Lord God of Heaven’s Armies!
Where is there anyone as mighty as you, O Lord?
You are entirely faithful.

 

And I pray that "For those who read this that may also be in a season of winter Lord, may you bring glimpses of the spring that will come.  Surround their hearts with your peace and let them see glimmers of your true unfailing faithfulness.  Thank you Father. Amen"

Boundaries, Balance, Perspectives

I write alot of posts for this blog....no, really, I do....in my head.  I really wish somedays I had a computer that dictated and printed out all those brilliant posts that never get typed by me.  Maybe that's a good thing! 
Boundaries, Balance, Perspectives.....many of those blogs I "wrote" centered around these three words.  Since quitting my part time job the first of the year (No, I didn't quit my primary full time job), I had more time to think and process through things since I'm not going straight through the day from one job to another and then usually crashing in bed at night when I got home.  Now, for most people, they would jump and be excited about the opportunity to have more free time and not be going, going, going all the time.  However, the past three months have been a challenge, albeit a good challenge in so many ways.  Although there are days when I just want to be able to work and not have to process anything spiritually or emotionally, I feel God working in my heart, even through the struggle.  I'm not even close to having figured out the challenge, but here's a brief look.
Boundaries....I struggle so much with this, both in setting boundaries and in making good judgments about respecting others' boundaries.  Now, I may be very self-critical, I know that, and let's be clear that I've not crossed any legal boundaries and/or broken any laws in the process (other than the occasional speeding and texting while driving...oops!)  But, although I strongly desire true friendship with others, I tend to push people away when they get too close and yet push boundaries with others in an attempt to "prove" myself or get them to "like me" or "approve of me." 
Balance...I've said so many times in the past months how I would like to figure out this word and what it means.  When do I give grace and when does a behavior, etc. have to be confronted and dealt with.  When do I have to stop saying "yes" and seek to protect my own health, time, etc.  When do I invite people into my life and when do I set those boundaries to again, protect myself or my family, etc. 
Perspectives...I am more and more aware of how many of my friends and acquaintances and even family members have such different perspectives from each other.  I am more and more aware of how our experiences, our environment, and our belief systems infiltrate our perspectives.  For instance, I have a strong passion for missions...whether here in the US or overseas.  But no matter how much passion I have...I realize that I can't begin to fathom the environment that my friend in ministry in Haiti experiences each and every day and I can't come close to understanding her passion for orphans and justice, not to mention the extreme poverty she witnesses every day.  On the other hand, no matter how much others in my life care about people who struggle with severe mental illness or how they have sympathy for parents struggling with children with things like Reactive Attachment Disorder or Bipolor or Schizophrenia, they can't begin to understand why I am so passionate about fighting for mental health coverage throughout our state and making quality care available to anyone who struggles....after all, why should someone who lives in Iowa be limited to seek care in state, even if their situation requires more specialized care...or if much better providers are located just across the border in a neighboring state.....just because they are on Medicaid???  Can't we figure out a better way and/or a partnership with other states?     Again, that's just an example of the "perspectives" view I've been struggling with.

And then I am simply humbled by the words of the hymn "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" where it says "tune my heart to sing thy praise."  May my prayer always be that no matter how much I try to figure out boundaries, balance, and perspectives, that God would bring me into perfect intonation with Him, because without that....I am nothing. 

I am Blessed!

I am  much too guilty of falling into a world of self-pity and loathing over certain aspects of my life.  I was challenged recently by a missionary mentor/friend of mine who has served as an American Missionary for over 40 years with InFaith to start a Blessings Jar for 2013.  Every day I would seek to find at least 1 blessing that touched me that day and write it down, put it in the jar, and at the end of 2013, I would go back through and read those blessings.  OK.....

Well, today I thought I'd share two of those blessings I have written down.  Specifically, I share these two blessings because it's something I have been praying this year for God to really show me how HE is filling a void that is incredibly painful for me.  You see, I turn 35 very shortly....My life plan said by this time, I would be married, have a couple kids, successful career, etc.  Well....God's plan is often very different than our plans....until we work consistently to align our heart, mind, and spirit to sing HIS praise (and plans!)  Probably the most painful for me is lack of husband and lack of children....and knowing that due to medical difficulties, I won't ever be able to carry my own child, even in a Godly marriage. 

On to the blessings!  Early in the new year...well...maybe late in 2012, but it still is in this year's blessings jar....I received a text message from my sister-in-law showing me the incredible 3D ultrasound image of my growing niece or nephew!  POWERFUL!  Our God is so amazing to knit and weave together such intricate design and development in the womb!  And it was something I had never seen before....so it blessed my heart.  And every time I see that picture on my prayer board, I am brought to my knees in praise.
,
2nd blessing: Today, I walked in a hospital room to congratulate friends on the birth of their new baby girl.  I couldn't stay long, but just wanted to deliver that hat I had knitted (while praying and praying it would be a girl because a flower hat just wouldn't work for a boy!) and just say congratulations.  Now, I'm pretty sure the new daddy was just super excited and ready to show off his baby, but as I handed the gift to "mom",  he came over to me and said "Meet 'baby'!.....Here, hold her!!"  She started to cry and I cuddled to her and she settled.  I held her for a short time....although I think I could have cuddled her all day if I was allowed....she's sooo cute!  But, that daddy blessed me today (even though it probably wasn't intentional) by simply allowing me to be a part of that newborn moment. 

Call me sappy...call me crazy...but these two things are huge blessings to me.  Being given a glimpse of participation in something I won't experience personally remind me to be aware of how I can give glimpses of joy to others in things they maybe can't do, won't do, or are no longer able to do.  What about simply smiling and saying hello to someone who others tend to ignore?  What about listening to an older person tell the same story over and over and over.....because they can't remember telling it the first time?  What about simply being quiet and observing and letting others shine in their Heavenly Father's glory?  Lord, open my eyes and heart to see where you want me to pass on blessings to others.  Grant me wisdom to see past appearances, presumptions, and past mistakes and to see into a heart that is longing to be given a glimpse of what they dream for. 

My God Shall...

WOW...

"My God shall supply all your needs, according to His riches in glory..."

It's interesting though, how I think I know what I need and what would fix all problems...and honestly, I do think having money to pay off my student loans and other debts would help at times...but that's not where I'm headed tonight.

Quick update to those of you unaware...I didn't get that job I was so hoping for; the one I thought was "the one!"  And, it's ok.

Tonight is one of those nights when I really wanted to focus on something other than TV, and so I went to Facebook...I know...not a real wise choice...that is...unless God is putting you there for a reason.  I went to the page of my friend who is serving the Lord with her family in Haiti, and saw a link to a webpage/blog, clicked on it, and within seconds began to sob and cry out to God.  This woman wrote about women and being known by God.  After I got through my tears and began to feel the Holy Spirit bring a peace to my heart, I knew I had to share and so I emailed it to women in my life with a prayer. 

Then, I decided to go back to this website and read some more.  I clicked on some of her "popular" posts and came on this one, from yesterday.  (The one my friend shared was from Thursday!)  How perfect.  http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/11/how-to-not-miss-your-real-life-calling/

I love the line "We need the person of God more than we need the plan for our life."

I'm a planner.  I want to know what's next.  I sometimes want to trick the system and get what I want by working around the rules...by specific planning indeed!  Not the way to go...

So where does this leave me tonight....on my knees...praying for restoration and healing, in my mind, my heart, my "wants", my thoughts, my actions.  It also leaves me dreaming...dreaming about what God may have in store for me.  Obviously, he wants me to "career" right where I'm at right now.  My calling right now is to serve where I am at.  Will that be where I am at forever?  Only HE knows...and after all, HE knows the perfect plan. 

Waiting...

Waiting...99% of the time I hate waiting.  And tonight is one of those nights.  I know the committee who interviewed me for a job have made their decision.  Tonight that decision is going in front of a supervising committee.  It's out of my control and now I just have to wait to hear what the decision is.  Not easy.  Neither has my spiritual walk been in the past 12 days since my final interview.  I pray and pray....but it's so hard to pray what I need to pray.  What I want to pray is "God, you know how much I want this position, so no matter what, make the people in charge choose ME!!  You know I am the right choice and would do a great job, and could use the financial benefits, etc., etc., etc. "  And, yet, in my heart, I know I need to pray "Lord, your will be done.  If you want me to stay in the positions I am in right now and be content, that is what I will do and seek YOU through that."  And, so...during this debate going on in my mind and heart, I find myself at times running (figuratively) from prayer and from God.  I find myself doubting and I find myself trying to avoid facing the reality that I may not receive this job offer and have to continue doing the same jobs I am right now.  "But, God, don't you know how beneficial it would be for me to work the same job more than 2 days in a row? Can't you make them see how hard I would work and how dedicated I am to what I do?"  And again my mind says....seek fulfillment in HIM only child.  My God shall supply all your needs.

And, so I find myself sitting here, typing these racing thoughts out as I babysit at a friend's house while the children sleep.  I find myself reflecting back to an ongoing theme in my life...in my devotions...in my thoughts....in my interactions with people.  FINDING BALANCE.  That is a hard thing for me to do in so many ways.  For examples:  I want so bad to have relationships/friendships that go deeper than "Hi, how are you?", but I am so afraid of being hurt or trampled on.  I want to find contentment and peace in my Lord and Savior and feel comfortable with who I AM in HIM, but my inner desires go so far deeper to be accepted by others and feel that my actions and deeds are approved by them.  And the list could go on an on, I know it does...but my mind is not functioning quite fully right now! :) 

And, I wait...and I wait...and I wait...upon the Lord.  So many have gone before and I'm sure have waited to know His will and direction....and I will as well.  Jeremiah 29:11

Speak Lord

Today has been a tough day.  Alot has happened in the last week, many disappointing.  However, I love to watch how God uses these "hiccups" in my life to show me a deeper truth.  I read on a blog last week that "God brings us into a mess to give us a message."  Speak Lord, your servant is listening.

Last night I went to bed early...exhausted.  I drempt alot, which usually means I am processing through something that's either exciting or that maybe is bothering me.  Right before I woke up, I remember dreaming about 4 children I love very much.  A, G, T, and K.  They were headed to Haiti today with their parents to serve on that mission field.  I had a dream that included A running away from me, pretending to be scared, knowing full well I would chase her and if I caught her, would tickle her and we would laugh!  I dreamed about G and K coming into our Kids program at church with big smiles on their face....as if I couldn't tell already from their giddy smiles, the pizza sauce on their shirts told me what they were about to share...."We got to go to Pizza Ranch for supper!"  As I woke up from my dream, the tears started flowing.  How I will miss this family.  But, as I did my devotions, I also realized there were more feelings.  I was angry, not at this family, but at myself.  Being turned down for a couple jobs recently was discouraging...didn't God know how much I desired them?  As I processed through the day, I realized I was more jealous than angry.  Although I'm not sure about the creatures that the VL family will encounter in Haiti and how well my bravery would last.....I was jealous of how they are serving in Love using the abilities and gifts they have been so blessed with.  I was frustrated with myself for once again pulling away from getting to know R&E better, for fear of being rejected.  And, as I prayed, I asked God to really challenge me to seek out others, no matter how uncomfortable that makes me....and be bolder about asking for what I really need....as well as committing to things I need to be more disciplined about.  

So....let's take this a few steps at a time....
Step 1: Be in the WORD daily....quit making excuses for not memorizing scripture.  Just Do It!
Step 2: Be willing to ask someone (once a week?) to help me with something I need and can't do myself.  Example 1: I need to find a small group/discipleship class or group that has women in it that are my age and don't mind that I'm still single and/or have no children.
Step 3: I read the following on an InFaith missionary's blog and really like it and want to seek after this attitude. "How many times do I need to get past people's offense to reach them?  Lord, thanks for reminding me that in order to reach the lost I need to love unlovely people.  Aren't we all unlovely?  yet, He loves us."  And...yes...I realize I can be very unlovely at times....and God still loves me.

So, yes this entry tonight has been intense.  I am thankful, though, that on this Journey to Broadway (where God is fulfilling His purpose), that He knows the end result and will take me there if I seek to follow Him in all I do.  Jeremiah 29:11 promises me that.

Beginning

Yes, I have given in to starting a blog.  Wow...who knows...I may actually start using my Blackberry to track my schedule instead of my paper and wire bound planner......never mind, that will never happen.  I get way too much satisfaction out of "crossing off" things from my lists.  Actually, the reason I have started this blog is to be able to connect with friends and family who I don't connect with by phone or in person on a regular basis, as well as to share how God is working in my life.  The title of my blog "Journeys to Broadway" is inspired by a Bible study I went through about a year or so ago entitled Vantage Point 3.  In it we explored who God is, who I am, and what God desires to do through me.  Each one of our lives is a journey in which we make mistakes, ask questions, and hopefully are seeking what God's will is in our lives.  The journey has successes, triumps, pitfalls, accidents, and even times where it seems we are just simply staying put.  However, God is working in all of this and I am fascinated by that.  I just finished 2 weeks of camp with teens and 9-12 year olds as a summer missionary with InFaith.  I am headed back for 3 days fo 7-8 year olds.  This past week I watched as a 9 year old came out of her shell and witnessed her joy at receiving a Bible for the first time ever.  Her passion for reading and asking questions was humbling and very convicting in my own life.  I worry all to often about what people are thinking about me; their opinions, whether they like me or not, whether they think I am doing the right thing, etc, etc, etc.  What if I were able to (even for a day?) return to that place of such innocence and joy in the Lord my God?  What if I could shed my anger, frustrations, worries, "to do lists", etc. and just bask in the Glory of God's gift of Salvation and Love?  What if we all were to focus back in this direction?

Just my thoughts today....stay tuned and may God bless each of you as you walk your journey today...and every day.